graduation celebration

i've been meaning to write about this for some time now so it looks like today is the day.

on december 14, 2014 i graduated from brigham young university-hawaii. when people ask me what my major is i say "peacebuilding & conflict resolution" … but the full version of my degree is the following…..

i graduated with a bachelor of arts in international cultural studies with a primary emphasis in intercultural peacebuilding & conflict resolution and a secondary emphasis in communications. along with a minor in art and an intercultural peacebuilding certificate. goodness, talk about a mouth full.

most people know that i graduated, but most people don't understand the full significance of me graduating…

i would say that the last semester of your college career is normally a stressful one with trying to figure out what comes next, moving, final papers, etc. but it's also normally one of the best semesters because it's your last and you want to live it up. well for me, it was honestly the worst semester and time of my life. and that's not me being dramatic. i look back on these 22 years of my life so far and that period of my life definitely takes #1 for the worst. having to start your final semester 2 weeks after your dad dies is not fun. and on top of it, my boyfriend at the time and now husband left the island that last semester to go to utah and complete his internship. and 2 of my closest friends and roommates went to study abroad in jerusalem for the semester. i felt like in a matter of days, all the people i loved were leaving me in the time i needed it the most.

that first week of the semester was bad. real bad. let's just say that anything that could have gone wrong, went wrong.

after the second day of school i was already skipping classes. and while yes, i definitely skipped classes in the past, that was normally to go to the beach with my friends. this time around it was so i could stay in my room and cry. i don't want to write all about that semester because this would just become a really depressing post. so fast forward to the end of the semester.

i was failing. not like failing in the sense that you did bad on a test one day and you feel like the world is crashing & you tell all your friends you're failing (but you're really doing okay). no, i was failing like i had F's in 3 classes… yes… 3 out of my 5 classes i was failing. i needed all of those classes in order to graduate. and even more so, i needed to have at least a C in those classes. if i failed, that would mean not graduating and having to stay an extra semester (I WAS NOT DOING THAT). i wanted to get off that island so badly. i just wanted to be with my mom & kenneth.

i felt so helpless. it wasn't that i hadn't been trying, it was just that i physically and mentally could not function at the level that i needed to. so many times i had to walk out of class in the middle of it because i couldn't hide my crying. or the awful moments i'll keep a recollection about in my private journal and not the world wide web. i have never felt that much stress, anxiety and depression in my entire life. i feel sick just thinking back to that time.

as finals were coming around i felt so stressed. even if i passed my finals, i still wouldn't pass these classes. and this is where a little bit of God and a little bit of humanity/kindness stepped in.

spoiler alert to the story, but i passed all my classes.

two of my classes i was close to getting a C in after my final projects/finals, but one of my classes, i was failing pretty badly, my spanish class. i couldn't even comprehend what my teachers would say in my english speaking classes because i was in such a deep state of depression. but having to understand spanish? yeah, it didn't go so well.

a couple days before the final she asked if i would come in to her office. i was terrified because i knew i was failing and there was no sugarcoating it. as i sat in her office, she simply asked me how i was doing with everything and how i was feeling about graduation and seeing my family. i felt this overwhelming sense of care from her and i began to cry (i really hated crying in front of people). she offered me some tissues and gave me a hug. i told her how i was stressed because i knew i was failing. and with the most sincere look, she calmly told me,

"lauren. you're not going to fail. no one can expect you to do well in school right now. just try your best on the final and it will all be okay. i promise it will be okay. you're not going to fail. i will help you."

yeah. i about lost it at that point. my eyes are tearing up just thinking about it all again.

i just cried. i was so speechless and i didn't know what to say. she hugged me and tried to calm my tears and just kept saying over and over again, "it's okay, it's okay. you're not going to fail. it's okay. it will all work out."

the days after graduation i still felt a little anxiety in knowing if i really did pass in all my classes. a week later, my grades were finally released. prayers had been answered... i passed all my classes.  i have never felt so grateful for those teachers that showed mercy on me. i'm so glad i went to byu-hawaii and for all the lessons i learned. i took a lot of classes, wrote a lot of papers, and participated in a lot of projects and tests. but the greatest lesson i ever learned from college was the one those teachers taught me about kindness and mercy, it's something i'll never forget.

now for the happy pictures!

grateful my family was able to come to hawaii to see me graduate! fun fact, my brother graduated from byu-provo, my sister graduated from byu-idaho, and i graduated from byu-hawaii. 

my mom is another real reason that i graduated. i can't tell you how many times she picked up the phone and listened to me sob. she's the greatest ever.

miss my beautiful roomies! 

my peacebuilders, so happy we got to graduate together!

super grateful kenneth flew out for my graduation! and even more grateful that he proposed to me a week later :)

how i miss our backyard...

"from this school, will go forth men and women whose influence will be felt for good towards the establishment of peace internationally"

-david o. mckay

cheers to no more homework!!! seriously the best feeling.

with warmth & love,

lo