>>it's puppy love.

isn't she the cutest?

sadly she's not mine, i'm just watching her for the evening.

but goodness, i love dogs so unbelievably much.

i truly believe that dogs are amazing.

it's my dream to one day run my own dog shelter.

or to use dogs as therapy to help heal those who have been through traumatic events.

there is no doubt in my mind that dogs can heal.

i know majority of my friends think i'm a crazy dog whisperer. 

but i'm very okay with that.

>>happy birthday beka.

wishing my beautiful sister all the happiness and love in the world on this special birthday.

she really is my best friend and i'm so unbelievably grateful for her.

she has taught me so much and truly is an inspiration to me.

love you forever big sis.

>>remembering jacom.

it seems that every year on this day, i wake up really early. five years ago today i was woken up by my dad at 5 am, telling me that one of the most important men in my life passed away. this morning i was awakened by the loud crashing of the waves. for a few minutes i just lay in bed.. reflecting... remembering. five years seems too long. especially when it all still feels like it happened just the other day.

i miss jacom a lot. i admired him so much. growing up, my sister and i fought a lot, like most sisters do. but when jacom stepped into the picture, i feel like that is when beka and i became so close. beka has even told me how it made her so annoyed that i loved jacom so much more than her. maybe it was because i was young when jake came into my life, but i thought he was the best. i loved jake and beka's love. theirs will always be my favorite love story. it tops any fairy tale by a mile. i always rooted for jacom. my sister and i got in legitimate fights when they were on a break because i wanted them to get married. the day my sister told me that they were engaged, i cried.

i think my favorite memory of jacom is when he first came to our house in georgia. i grabbed as many embarrassing pictures of beka that i had and told jake to follow me. we ran down the hallway upstairs as my sister chased us and locked the door to the room we were in. we sat against the door and i showed jake all the photos as beka pounded on the door, screaming at me to stop and let her in. jake and i just laughed and laughed.

no one will ever compare to him. he was the greatest brother to me. he teased me so much. but i loved it. i love him.

i see my sister who turns 30 tomorrow, and hayden who turns 6 in eleven days. and i'm reminded that time moves forward.

my heart hurts a lot for hayden. i still feel like this little kid and i can't help but feel connected to him. granted, our experiences aren't comparable because i got 21 years with my dad and hayden only got 1. the first few years after jake's death, i had some of the most special moments with hayden. memories that are too sacred and special to share with the blogging world. but moments that testified to me that jake would always still care for hayden and be there. i know he looks after all of us.

i know jacom and my dad are together right now.
what a glorious day it will be when we are all reunited again.
i can't wait.

>>two months, too long.

it's been two months since my dad died.

it's weird, sad, and horrifying. all at the same time.

i wish he were here still.

i catch myself often in these moments where for less than a second, i forget about this terrifying tragedy i'm going through. but you remember quite quickly. and i sit and wonder, is this really happening? have the last two months really happened? and yet here i am, still breathing. and even though none of this makes any sense, i have to draw to the conclusion that yes this is happening. and yes these last two months have happened, because i'm breathing. i'm still alive. so by science, it must all be true.

and yet it doesn't make any sense.

i'm stuck in hawaii. and i put on a fake smile while everyone rants about how lucky i am to live in paradise. but it makes me so angry because it actually feels like a prison of hell sometimes. my dad died and i had one week. one week to transition between flying back from georgia to starting school. my boyfriend left. and the majority of my best friends left. i don't have any family here. so honestly, i can't wait to get out of here. i wish i could be with my mom, just feel her embrace and love. honestly, the only reason i'm here is because i know my dad would want me to graduate. and if i leave now, i will not return.

but its really tough living the college life. now is the time to be social, to fall in love, to surf, and to enjoy the beach as much as possible. now is the time that is supposed to be the best time of your life. when really, it just feels like the absolute worst. people don't understand. they forget. which makes sense, after all, it's not their tragedy and this should be the best time of their lives. i guess it's just hard to be apart of this world, when i don't fit in with it. i skip class to go home, lay on my bed, and cry. they skip class to go to the beach. and i get that. i was all about skipping class on a beautiful day to enjoy the water. i'm not saying it's bad. i'm just saying that i'm in an entirely different boat right now. and the amount of people at this school that understand that, it's slim to none.

i'm apart of the dead dad's club now. i would have much rather joined something else. but that's what i'm stuck with. i have two friends out here that are in that club as well. they get it. one of my friends ask me on a regular basis how i'm even here right now? and explains how she couldn't function for so long before she went back to school. i guess my response is that i'm not functioning. i'm just going through the motions. but yet here i am. alive and breathing. not so much really alive, but breathing. and so i have to draw to the conclusion that by science, that means this is all happening.

and yet it doesn't make any sense.

not at all.

>>& everybody goes surfing.

while kenneth was here, he was anxious for a surfboard and the water.

makes sense. give me a few weeks without the ocean and i go crazy.

so off to tbay we went.

the waves weren't as big as they wanted, but the guys still goofed around.

i've got a prime video clip of doug dancing on his board and flexing for the camera.

i sure do love these guys.

and i really miss that surfer boy of mine.

lo

>>oh, pumpkin.

i've practically been talking about how badly i want to go to the pumpkin patch since april.

last weekend, we made it happen.

i've been craving fall real bad lately.

it was nice to find a small bit of it on our little island home.

i sure do love these people.

and why are the tiny pumpkins just so much better than big ones?

with warmth & love,

lo