>>two months, too long.

it's been two months since my dad died.

it's weird, sad, and horrifying. all at the same time.

i wish he were here still.

i catch myself often in these moments where for less than a second, i forget about this terrifying tragedy i'm going through. but you remember quite quickly. and i sit and wonder, is this really happening? have the last two months really happened? and yet here i am, still breathing. and even though none of this makes any sense, i have to draw to the conclusion that yes this is happening. and yes these last two months have happened, because i'm breathing. i'm still alive. so by science, it must all be true.

and yet it doesn't make any sense.

i'm stuck in hawaii. and i put on a fake smile while everyone rants about how lucky i am to live in paradise. but it makes me so angry because it actually feels like a prison of hell sometimes. my dad died and i had one week. one week to transition between flying back from georgia to starting school. my boyfriend left. and the majority of my best friends left. i don't have any family here. so honestly, i can't wait to get out of here. i wish i could be with my mom, just feel her embrace and love. honestly, the only reason i'm here is because i know my dad would want me to graduate. and if i leave now, i will not return.

but its really tough living the college life. now is the time to be social, to fall in love, to surf, and to enjoy the beach as much as possible. now is the time that is supposed to be the best time of your life. when really, it just feels like the absolute worst. people don't understand. they forget. which makes sense, after all, it's not their tragedy and this should be the best time of their lives. i guess it's just hard to be apart of this world, when i don't fit in with it. i skip class to go home, lay on my bed, and cry. they skip class to go to the beach. and i get that. i was all about skipping class on a beautiful day to enjoy the water. i'm not saying it's bad. i'm just saying that i'm in an entirely different boat right now. and the amount of people at this school that understand that, it's slim to none.

i'm apart of the dead dad's club now. i would have much rather joined something else. but that's what i'm stuck with. i have two friends out here that are in that club as well. they get it. one of my friends ask me on a regular basis how i'm even here right now? and explains how she couldn't function for so long before she went back to school. i guess my response is that i'm not functioning. i'm just going through the motions. but yet here i am. alive and breathing. not so much really alive, but breathing. and so i have to draw to the conclusion that by science, that means this is all happening.

and yet it doesn't make any sense.

not at all.