Mediocracy

lately i've been having a lot of conflicting feelings and thoughts on this & that. i finally felt like i needed to get it written down.

so if you're looking to read a post about my pumpkin spice latte, the new pie i baked from my handpicked apples, or about my latest outfit and lipstick color... this is not it. not saying that any of those would be bad posts to read about, it's just not what i'm currently blogging about.

lately i've been feeling... mediocre. and i'm not even sure if that's the right word to describe the feeling, but it's the best i've come up with.

i don't feel like i'm succeeding in anything right now. i've found myself succumbing to the pressures of the world on multiple occasions and feeling inadequate because i didn't get X amount of likes on my instagram, or because i didn't have time to try a new hairdo that i found on pinterest, or because i graduated from college last december and i still have no clue what job i want to do while others are excelling at their so-called dream job, or because besides a new comforter and sheets, i haven't decorated our room, or hung new pictures on the wall.

and the list goes on.

kenneth says i'm a leader not a follower. it's been an ongoing joke ever since we first started dating because i would show him a song i loved (skinny love by bon iver), or show him this new app i downloaded (instagram), or wear this new shirt i got that he thought looked really weird (from the thrift store, $2 hollaaa macklemore). and he would tease me about these little things that he thought were so weird and then a few months or years would go by and he would actually love all of them and find himself listening to bon iver and fleet foxes when i wasn't around, and soon he was making his own instagram account, and every time i come home from shopping and i ask him how he likes it his reply is always... "i mean, it's different, but i always end up liking your clothes so i don't know why i question it"

i'm not here saying that i'm some cool trendsetter because i'm definitely not.

but i used to feel like i marched to the beat of my own drum. and now i feel really lost.

i like to think that i'm a creative person. i never did sports in high school, i always did art or music. in college, it was the same thing. lately though, i feel like i can't create anything because someone else already did and they pinned it on pinterest, or posted it on instgram and got 200 likes.

i think that's why i've always enjoyed blogging. there's no 'like' button. and i don't know who's seen it really. it makes me feel sort of peaceful in a way that this is my one space to just do what i want. and only genuine people take the time to read what i say... or really bored people. i've been blogging since 2010... let me tell you, things get embarrassing when you look back there. (please don't look back in the archives... or do... you'll laugh, that's a given). but even lately i feel hesitant to write about this or that. this isn't a travel blog. or a fashion blog. or a spiritual blog. or a photography blog. or a baking blog. i don't even know what to classify this blog as. it's just me.

i guess i've just been feeling down lately and i'm not quite sure how to "shake it off". i don't feel like i'm excelling in any one aspect of my life and it's gotten me really bummed. i keep thinking... "if only i was able to take more art classes in college, then i would have learned more to turn my graphic design or photography skills into a career" or "if only i got more experience in conflict resolution or had done a different internship, maybe i would have enough 'experience' to get a job working with an ngo" or the worst one... "if only i had X amount of money to buy this new dress or take this cool trip and post instagram's about it"

i feel embarrassed to even write this down and post it publicly, but it needs to be said. we live in a world where people post their accomplishments and successes. and i think that's awesome. but people always shy away from posting that one picture because they don't think it will get enough likes, or from  admitting when they feel down and embarrassed that they are struggling to find a job after graduating. or that they're actually going through a really tough time.

and while i don't think it's an awesome idea to go around talking about all the things that get you down. i also do think you can learn from it and from others trials. or at least i do. and it helps me to hear from others. not to hear that they're going through a tough time, but to hear that i'm not alone and that it's okay to feel down sometimes, and to hear how they're coping with it and overcoming the tough times.

so here i am, stuck in this weird and ugly cycle. a cycle where i get this sudden burst of inspiration and decide to march to the beat of my own drum and think "what the heck! i'm gonna do what i want. i'm gonna post whatever i want on instagram and not care. i'll post 20 times in one day if i want. or i won't post for weeks at a time. i don't care, and i won't be affected by others" (i'm not just referring to instagram here, it's just an easy example) and that method works.. at least for a little bit... and then i start to care. i start to feel insecure. and scared. and embarrassed and ultimately... inadequate. and it's this ugly and vicious cycle that goes round and round in my life and i'm struggling to figure out how to stop it.

i have so many dreams. but i feel a little stuck on how to make them all turn into a reality. which is why i'm currently feeling mediocre and inadequate. which is so dumb because i know i have some awesome talents. maybe it's fear that is holding me back. fear of failing, fear of being embarrassed, fear of others not liking it. college was nice because i felt like someone was holding my hand along the way. and even though there were some concepts or classes that were difficult or i didn't understand, i always had awesome peers, coworkers, bosses, and professors that helped and taught me. it's weird because i graduated almost a year ago and just recently have i been feeling so lost.

i don't mean to write all of this out to get sympathy or anything like that. i just needed to write all of this out for me. to regroup. and refocus. don't get me wrong, i love my life. and i do feel incredibly blessed. i love my family, my husband, my friends. but that also doesn't mean that i don't feel down sometimes. that i don't cry because i miss my dad. or wish i had the whole job thing figured out. or feel sad that i'm away from so many of my friends. but i know that that's just life.

people say that college is a difficult time because you're trying to figure out who you are and where you belong and what you want to do. but i would say that's more true (for me at least) after college.

so for now i guess i will try and stay focused on what truly matters. trying to stay inspired, creative and alive. doing what i want because it's what i truly want and makes me happy. and hopefully the negative and sad feelings that come along the way will work themselves out.

i don't really know how to end this rambling. there's no real point to all of this because i'm just snuggled up in my bed and typing the first thing that comes to my brain. i just felt a need to type it out and try to make sense of all these weird feelings of mine. but for now i guess i'll end this with a picture from africa. because that was the first time i can remember really not caring about so many things. i have this funny saying i think about a lot from my time there... "i felt my prettiest in africa". which is funny because i showered 3 times (with a bucket), constantly had mud and dirt all over me, never had makeup, never washed my clothes, always sweaty, oily, smelly and pimple-y. and yet, i felt pretty. those first few weeks back in america, i felt like a million bucks even though i still wouldn't wear makeup. i just felt so pretty and so inspired.

maybe my solution to all of this is to go back to africa haha.

i could sure go for a hug from babu, dance from johnny and giggle from ema.

xx