Mediocracy

lately i've been having a lot of conflicting feelings and thoughts on this & that. i finally felt like i needed to get it written down.

so if you're looking to read a post about my pumpkin spice latte, the new pie i baked from my handpicked apples, or about my latest outfit and lipstick color... this is not it. not saying that any of those would be bad posts to read about, it's just not what i'm currently blogging about.

lately i've been feeling... mediocre. and i'm not even sure if that's the right word to describe the feeling, but it's the best i've come up with.

i don't feel like i'm succeeding in anything right now. i've found myself succumbing to the pressures of the world on multiple occasions and feeling inadequate because i didn't get X amount of likes on my instagram, or because i didn't have time to try a new hairdo that i found on pinterest, or because i graduated from college last december and i still have no clue what job i want to do while others are excelling at their so-called dream job, or because besides a new comforter and sheets, i haven't decorated our room, or hung new pictures on the wall.

and the list goes on.

kenneth says i'm a leader not a follower. it's been an ongoing joke ever since we first started dating because i would show him a song i loved (skinny love by bon iver), or show him this new app i downloaded (instagram), or wear this new shirt i got that he thought looked really weird (from the thrift store, $2 hollaaa macklemore). and he would tease me about these little things that he thought were so weird and then a few months or years would go by and he would actually love all of them and find himself listening to bon iver and fleet foxes when i wasn't around, and soon he was making his own instagram account, and every time i come home from shopping and i ask him how he likes it his reply is always... "i mean, it's different, but i always end up liking your clothes so i don't know why i question it"

i'm not here saying that i'm some cool trendsetter because i'm definitely not.

but i used to feel like i marched to the beat of my own drum. and now i feel really lost.

i like to think that i'm a creative person. i never did sports in high school, i always did art or music. in college, it was the same thing. lately though, i feel like i can't create anything because someone else already did and they pinned it on pinterest, or posted it on instgram and got 200 likes.

i think that's why i've always enjoyed blogging. there's no 'like' button. and i don't know who's seen it really. it makes me feel sort of peaceful in a way that this is my one space to just do what i want. and only genuine people take the time to read what i say... or really bored people. i've been blogging since 2010... let me tell you, things get embarrassing when you look back there. (please don't look back in the archives... or do... you'll laugh, that's a given). but even lately i feel hesitant to write about this or that. this isn't a travel blog. or a fashion blog. or a spiritual blog. or a photography blog. or a baking blog. i don't even know what to classify this blog as. it's just me.

i guess i've just been feeling down lately and i'm not quite sure how to "shake it off". i don't feel like i'm excelling in any one aspect of my life and it's gotten me really bummed. i keep thinking... "if only i was able to take more art classes in college, then i would have learned more to turn my graphic design or photography skills into a career" or "if only i got more experience in conflict resolution or had done a different internship, maybe i would have enough 'experience' to get a job working with an ngo" or the worst one... "if only i had X amount of money to buy this new dress or take this cool trip and post instagram's about it"

i feel embarrassed to even write this down and post it publicly, but it needs to be said. we live in a world where people post their accomplishments and successes. and i think that's awesome. but people always shy away from posting that one picture because they don't think it will get enough likes, or from  admitting when they feel down and embarrassed that they are struggling to find a job after graduating. or that they're actually going through a really tough time.

and while i don't think it's an awesome idea to go around talking about all the things that get you down. i also do think you can learn from it and from others trials. or at least i do. and it helps me to hear from others. not to hear that they're going through a tough time, but to hear that i'm not alone and that it's okay to feel down sometimes, and to hear how they're coping with it and overcoming the tough times.

so here i am, stuck in this weird and ugly cycle. a cycle where i get this sudden burst of inspiration and decide to march to the beat of my own drum and think "what the heck! i'm gonna do what i want. i'm gonna post whatever i want on instagram and not care. i'll post 20 times in one day if i want. or i won't post for weeks at a time. i don't care, and i won't be affected by others" (i'm not just referring to instagram here, it's just an easy example) and that method works.. at least for a little bit... and then i start to care. i start to feel insecure. and scared. and embarrassed and ultimately... inadequate. and it's this ugly and vicious cycle that goes round and round in my life and i'm struggling to figure out how to stop it.

i have so many dreams. but i feel a little stuck on how to make them all turn into a reality. which is why i'm currently feeling mediocre and inadequate. which is so dumb because i know i have some awesome talents. maybe it's fear that is holding me back. fear of failing, fear of being embarrassed, fear of others not liking it. college was nice because i felt like someone was holding my hand along the way. and even though there were some concepts or classes that were difficult or i didn't understand, i always had awesome peers, coworkers, bosses, and professors that helped and taught me. it's weird because i graduated almost a year ago and just recently have i been feeling so lost.

i don't mean to write all of this out to get sympathy or anything like that. i just needed to write all of this out for me. to regroup. and refocus. don't get me wrong, i love my life. and i do feel incredibly blessed. i love my family, my husband, my friends. but that also doesn't mean that i don't feel down sometimes. that i don't cry because i miss my dad. or wish i had the whole job thing figured out. or feel sad that i'm away from so many of my friends. but i know that that's just life.

people say that college is a difficult time because you're trying to figure out who you are and where you belong and what you want to do. but i would say that's more true (for me at least) after college.

so for now i guess i will try and stay focused on what truly matters. trying to stay inspired, creative and alive. doing what i want because it's what i truly want and makes me happy. and hopefully the negative and sad feelings that come along the way will work themselves out.

i don't really know how to end this rambling. there's no real point to all of this because i'm just snuggled up in my bed and typing the first thing that comes to my brain. i just felt a need to type it out and try to make sense of all these weird feelings of mine. but for now i guess i'll end this with a picture from africa. because that was the first time i can remember really not caring about so many things. i have this funny saying i think about a lot from my time there... "i felt my prettiest in africa". which is funny because i showered 3 times (with a bucket), constantly had mud and dirt all over me, never had makeup, never washed my clothes, always sweaty, oily, smelly and pimple-y. and yet, i felt pretty. those first few weeks back in america, i felt like a million bucks even though i still wouldn't wear makeup. i just felt so pretty and so inspired.

maybe my solution to all of this is to go back to africa haha.

i could sure go for a hug from babu, dance from johnny and giggle from ema.

xx

Los Cabos

our week in mexico was so wonderful. i'm really missing it right now looking back on all these photos. especially that room service. pretty sure i ordered cheesecake every night. whoops.

every night the hotel would have a theme night for dinner. mexican, italian, seafood, etc. and a few of the nights they had dinner shows. one night they had an entire michael jackson night full of dancing and singing and it was wildly entertaining. 

we loved going out to lovers beach so much that we went another day and brought snorkeling stuff this time. so amazing.

and we can't forget the pina coladas. how we miss those. SO MUCH. we got about 5 of those a day. the world cup was going on while we were there so it was fun to watch mexico play and see how excited everyone was about it.

our last night we went to this really fancy restaurant. probably the nicest restaurant either of us have eaten at. after our salad they brought out "palette cleansers" before our main course... aka yummy mini berry popsicles. can i have a palette cleanser with every meal??

also, the view was overlooking the ocean. definitely amazing. i just loved everything about where we stayed! definitely recommend it for a honeymoon spot/relaxing spot. till next time mexico!

xx

Honeymooners

for our honeymoon we went to cabo san lucas in mexico and we loveddd it! mexico is a country i never had a huge desire to visit and then randomly we went twice this year and i loved it both times! i highly recommend it. some of the prettiest blue water was in mexico and thinking about it right now makes me miss my tan and the warm salt water.

apologies in advance for all the selfies. when you're on vacation with just your husband, you guys end up with lots of single photos haha.

we stayed at the pueblo bonito rose hotel and they have a "sister" hotel next door, the blanco. so we had access to both hotels which was awesome! and it was all inclusive so let's just say i gained about 15 pounds this week.

for $10 we took a boat out to see the arch and seals and then get dropped off at lovers beach for a few hours. we loved it so much that we decided to go back the next day and go snorkeling. i'll post those photos tomorrow. but goodness, i was impressed! the boat we took had a glass bottom so we could see the fishes below us as we ventured out to the island. i'm in love with mexico, but more in love with my husband :)

i love whoever invented honeymoons. after stressful months of wedding planning, having a week to just relax and worry about absolutely nothing was amazing!

xx

a few pieces of family

i'm finding it very difficult to "catch up" on blogging. i'm just now realizing how much has happened this last year. but family is something that has been on my mind a lot lately so i figured i would share with some pictures from my family reunion in utah this summer.

so remember in that last post how i talked about my mom and how she does 'energy work'. i can't even begin to describe it all because it's complicated and you'll think i sound like a crazy lunatic. well last night my mom was talking to kenneth and i and telling us to just be extra careful because there was a lunar eclipse. and apparently, when big movements and changes happen in our universe, it can really change the energy movement in our lives. without going on for a long time to explain it all, basically... the moon changes, life changes, we change. 

i love my mom. and i believe in some of her ideas about all her energy work that she does. but i'm definitely not a 100% believer in all of it quite yet. although i will say i've seen some pretty cool things that have happened from it. but sometimes, my mom can sound.... a little crazy haha. my sister and i tease her a lot about it, but it's all good fun and i know it's something my mom is really passionate about, so i'm willing to learn more and have accepted some of her ways of thinking in my own life.

with all that said, last night, my mom was explaining this to us and how we needed to be extra careful and make sure we were staying grounded and focused. after my mom left, kenneth and i sort of laughed about how my mom was sounding really... hippie-like and a little weird.

(warning: story goes from a little funny to a little scary)

and then we get a call to find out that my grandpa fell and broke his arm and is in the hospital.

and then a few hours later we find out that a wildfire started and was half a mile away from my in-laws house in northern california, forcing them to evacuate.

and then kenneth and i decided that my mom wasn't so crazy after all.

unfortunately, my grandpa is still in the hospital and not doing too well at the moment. he was released this morning and then readmitted this evening. 

my in-laws still can't return to their home and the fire is 25% contained which is better than it was last night. but it's pretty scary to look on a map and see their street and then the red marking showing the fire just a few streets away. it looks like the fire is moving south from their house so that's really good news.

it's always so interesting how quickly things change. i look at these pictures from this summer and see me with my grandpa and now i think about how he's in so much pain and in the hospital. life changes so quickly. it most certainly makes me appreciate the good moments.

.................................

while in utah this summer we had the opportunity to go rock climbing.

i've never been before and i was grateful to have an uncle and some cousins that were pros at it to teach me. alright, i never realized how physically exhausting rock climbing is! i have such a high respect for rock climbers.

let's talk about my mom and how awesome she is! she made it all the way to the top! (and she probably did it faster than me!)

not going to lie, there was a point when i was about half way up and i was stuck for a while trying to find a good place to keep climbing. as i was contemplating where to go i thought... i'm tired haha. maybe i'll just go down. and then i thought... wait, i can't go down. my mom just climbed this whole thing and that's so embarrassing if i can't climb it after she just did haha. i really hope i'm like my mom when i'm her age. she does so many great things and she's in awesome shape. yeah... she's pretty rad.

later that week some of us hiked timpanogos cave. i hiked it the summer before with my friend jordan, but it was fun to do it again with my family.

i love my uncles. they always keep me laughing.

we got to go to timpanogos temple. my mom is 1 of 9 children. yeahhhh. talk about a lot of cousins. so it's pretty rare when she can get together with all her siblings. it was a special moment to share that with all of my aunts and uncles & grandparents. not to mention what a beautiful temple!

so funny story. my uncle and his family used to live in alaska. kenneth's family used to live in alaska. yup... they all knew each other! my uncle and my father-in-law would go hunting. granted kenneth was only 2 or 3 at the time before they moved to hawaii, but still a cool experience for him to meet my uncle again. such a small world.

for the 4th of july we watched the provo parade in the morning and then ate lunch at my grandparents house. my uncle kevin & aunt kathy run a shaved ice business where they cater at weddings and other events, so they brought everything to have yummy shaved ice after lunch. let's just say everyone's tongues were a lovely shade of blue. and i'm not complaining about that.

love my sweet niece ana! 

i'm so grateful for these pictures to remind me of all the great times this summer with family. it's a weird feeling to grow older and move away from family but then also start your own new family too. i look at this picture of kenneth and i with my grandparents and think about how one day that will be us standing with our grandchildren. that just blows my mind that there is so much more to come in this beautiful thing we call life. 

xx