it's been a few months since i've written and a lot has changed. but probably the biggest change happened on august 16th at 5:18pm, when my mom called me and my world flipped upside down.
my dad died. and there's no easy way to say that, or a way that makes it sound better. it sucks.
my dad has had a lot of health issues since day 1 of my life, due to an accident that happened while he was in the army. but his death was unexpected. he passed away peacefully in his sleep which brings me a lot of peace in knowing that's how it happened and that he's finally out of pain.
i flew back home to georgia and spent a week there for the service. i just got back to hawaii yesterday. and while i'll probably write another time about the trip and the service, right now i just have a few thoughts i need to get down and out of my head. so what's next is probably going to be a rambling, venting mess...
i miss my dad.
i miss him so unbelievably much.
he's my dad. he's been there since day one, and suddenly he's gone. i hate it. i wish he was still here.
i'm 21 years old, and my dad is dead. that's not how it normally works. he's supposed to still be here. my mom and dad just bought their tickets to come out to hawaii in december for my graduation. he's supposed to come here on december 10th. he's supposed to be there and give me a hug and a kiss when i walk out with my cap and gown on, diploma in hand. he's supposed to go surfing with me. it's the one thing he really wanted to do out here. he's supposed to be there when my future husband has to ask him for permission. he's supposed to be there when i get married. he's supposed to be there when i have kids. and he's gone.
my dad always said that "fair" was a cuss word we weren't allowed to say haha. but i don't care, this is totally not fair. i'm the baby. i might be 21 but that's barely, technically an adult. and even if i am an adult by societies idea, i don't feel like one yet. i'm still a kid. and when you're a kid, you need your dad to help you along the way. i miss him.
it hasn't even been 2 weeks yet. and yet these days have been the longest of my life. i keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. i keep waiting for my phone to ring and for it to be from my dad. it all feels so surreal.
people say i'm still in shock. i don't really know how you deal with this though. in school, you learn about how to deal with taking exams and writing papers. you learn about the steps to applying for other schools and internships. you learn about cosigns and freud and historical facts. you don't learn about what to do when your dad dies.
there are 5 stages of grief: denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
i'm sure i can see a little of every one of those stages, but mostly just one.
depression.
i'm sad. i've cried a lot. the hysterical cry, where you are screaming and typically bent over on the floor. the dry cry, where you've cried so much that tears don't come out but you still make all the sounds of crying. the hyperventilation cry, where you can barely breathe and your body shakes uncontrollably. the ugly cry, where your face makes a really distorted look and it's mostly just a mess of snot and tears running down your face. and the silent cry, where you're so tired and sad that you just lay there with no effort, but tears still roll down your face. i've jumped from each of them by the minutes, hours, and days.
i wonder when it'll stop. part of me feels like a ticking time bomb where i can hold it together and be distracted long enough while i'm in public, but that it's a race to get back to my room where i can let it out again.
it also feels like i'm walking around town with a huge sticker on my forehead that says, "Dad Just Died." for some people it seems like this taboo topic that you both know exists but they don't mention it and try to avoid it. others give you the polite extra smile... sympathy card. others smother you with talking their mouth off about it. it gets to the point where what more do you say when they ask how are you? my cousin krysta said it quite well when we were talking at the funeral service.
krysta: "i don't even know half the people that are coming up to me and asking how i'm doing. and what more do you want me to say? 'oh how are you doing sweetie?' um, really quite fucking terrible actually, thanks."
i think the worst part is that i feel so bipolar right now. one minute i really do want people to ask how i'm doing, and i want to talk about it. other times, i just want to be left alone. sometimes i want that extra smile or hug and the sympathy card. other times i just want everyone to pretend like my life is normal and that a completely catastrophic event did not just happen to me. one minute i feel okay, the next i'm crying while walking down the grocery isle and hiding my face, hoping no one see's me.
also, simple decisions have suddenly become life threatening decisions. i literally spent 30 minutes, curled up in a ball, hands covering my face, crying, practically on my moms lap, trying to decide whether or not i wanted to drive over to my aunts house. the same thing happened one day when trying to decide if i was going to take a shower. yeah... somewhat funny looking back, but still not because i feel so overwhelmed with every emotion in the book.
that's the thing about tragedy. to you it feels like the end of the world, like an atomic bomb went off, or that everything is shattering all around you. but to everyone else, it's just a normal day. i feel like my life is on pause. yet everyone's else is on play. rather, it feels like it's even on fast forward. everything is so fresh and traumatic right now.
my mom, sister, and i were walking around a store, shopping for outfits to wear to my father's service. we were saying how weird it is that everyone around us has no clue what's going on. i was standing in the jcrew dressing room, trying on an outfit and the saleswoman came in trying to offer her advice on what i was trying on, and maybe i was in the anger stage of grief or i don't know what, but i seriously just wanted to yell out "i don't need your advice! my dad's dead and i'm wearing this to his funeral so it's what i think he would like best!" i held my tongue luckily, because that poor woman was just trying to be nice.
i have a completely new understanding for my favorite quote by plato: "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." you just never know what others are going through. if the girl standing in front of you in the grocery line just found out her dad died.
i'd be lying if i said i wasn't nervous for the upcoming weeks and months ahead. everyone has been so kind and sending over cards and food for our family, calling and stoping by to say hello and that they love us. it's really been so kind and appreciated. but at the same time, my mom and i were saying how right now it's great, but it's not so much needed. it's in the upcoming weeks and months, when everyone forgets about it and moves on. and yet we're still here, still on pause, and even more so lonely. when everyone leaves and the house is extra quiet. that's when we'll really want the cards and food, and the calling and stoping by to say hello and that they love us. i've got a lot of fear for what's ahead. my mom says i have to live in the present and embrace what's going on in that present moment. so that's what i'm trying to do. but it's definitely not easy. it seemed like everyone at the service asked me two questions. 1. how are you doing? (i'd respond with "fine": my go-to answer, and we'd chat about my dad) and then 2. what are you going to do after you graduate in december? (i tried to smile politely and give the best made up answer i had. seriously? i'm so stressed out about what i'm doing tomorrow let alone what the heck i'm doing 4 months from now) and i'm so emotional right now. that's something my sister and i were talking about... you should know that you don't ask an emotionally unstable person to make important decisions. you wait till they're more stable and sane to make those decisions. and yet time is not on our side to make those important decisions.
despite all my venting, complaining, and rambling... i am really grateful though for the love i've received and felt through all of this. that is the one thing that i've really noticed has helped.
sincere and genuine love from others. despite whatever bipolar state i'm in, sincere and genuine love from others has helped. a lot. so thank you to those that are reading this and have given that to me. know i'm eternally grateful and that it has been felt. and that that is what is helping me to survive right now. well, that and chocolate.
like i said earlier... i'm sad. i miss my dad all day. i miss his voice. i miss his hugs. i miss his texts. i miss his funny and weird jokes. i miss his encouragement. i miss him.
i really wish i could wake up from this nightmare. i wish my dad was still here. and i know time will help heal this pain, and i know he's in a better place now, and i know he's out of pain finally, and i know i'll see him again one day. but it doesn't take away from the fact that i really, really, really just wish my dad was here right now. and he's not.
and that just sucks.
while i was home, my sister and i were lying in bed, it was late at night and we were talking about dad and life and all the tears and laughs that come with it. she said,
"people say to take it one day at a time. screw that. i say take it one damn minute at a time. and when even that's too hard. hold your breath for 60 seconds."
so these are my current 60 seconds of thought. we all know i'll probably be feeling something different in the next minute, and then again something else after that. but for now, this is a snippet of what's running through my mind.
goodness, i really miss you dad.
i love you so much.
xo
Lo
